Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One of those times.

Sometimes I think I'm emotionally unstable, other times I feel like I'm moody, but most of the time I'm just over analyzing things.  I'm having one of those times where I feel like everyone I hold dear to me is looking at me differently.  I haven't changed anything about myself or even done anything recently that I'm aware of.  Still, my perception of peoples' attitudes towards me is shifting into a negative light. 

Most weeks I am fully aware of where I stand with people, however these last two weeks have been different.  I feel like my best friends and family members are losing the joy they once found in my company.  I'm honestly hoping this is my mind playing tricks on me because if it isn't, I'll need to do some personal reassessment.  Simply put, I just got this borderline paranoid feeling that people are starting to hate me.

I guess there has been a slight change in my mood.  Something I can't put my finger on has been bothering me and has been making me a bit more serious and often times, for the lack of a better word, a pansy with my friends.  I see myself coming out of the slump, riding this upswing is all I can really do.  Hopefully with the New Year I'll come across some great things that'll really put me back where I was.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Something that's recently struck me...

A girl when I dated her and a woman when I hated her; now she's a soul I exalt.  This statement summarizes my feelings towards a person to whom I shall refer to as Tina.

I was merely thirteen when I met her and even then she disabled me.  She sliced into my psyche within moments of meeting her and each time we've seen each other again she's managed to repeat such a feat.

Tina is the kind of person whose philosophy on life is incongruent to how they realistically carry their own out.  Still, her lifestyle is poetic; though she is a free-spirited beacon of light in the lives of others, the people in which she surrounds herself with are tragic leeches.  To anyone with happiness or stability, she is a beautiful disaster.

Because I met her and fell for her at such a young age her impact resounds throughout my life til this day.  What is even worse? She's become even better since we had first met, making each encounter harder and harder to top with another woman.

She makes me unstable, every time we've met I've made a fool of myself.  Yet she understands her effect on me and she's never looked at me differently.

I broke her heart in the past when we were young.  It was hard to fathom and handle such a personality so young.  She moved on and took to another man who I not only hate out of eternal jealousy but I cannot forgive for how he treats her.

She was once a girl full of hope and passion; because of people like her significant other, she has given up on such things.

I admire her, revere her, adore her and will always care for and love her.  I once thought it was a childish obsession but after much introspection I can honestly say she is the greatest woman I've ever shared time with.

Just when I wrote of loneliness, I re-encounter such a person and revisit this loneliness with thrice the sensitivity.  Not only do I want a woman, I want someone who can emulate the beauty which Tina radiates inwardly and outwardly.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Women, am I right?

The beauty of this blog is in its organic content.  I can look at what I've written and see how much I've changed in retrospect.  Even if the posts were made only a few months ago, my perception of things has drastically changed; I've done a lot of thinking, mending, breaking and growing.  What I've written on this blog, though immortalized on the internet, is by no means engraved in my heart.  This has been a helpful outlet, letting me sort out thoughts and receive feedback from people who otherwise wouldn't have a clue as to who I am.


At first, I was surprised at the amount of people who liked this blog moreso than my comedy writing, but now I thoroughly understand why.  In fact, I'm putting a rest to inkubateblog because it's done nothing but lower the credibility of this blog and preemptively release jokes before going through the proper filtration process.  Now without further adieu, my Acoustic Thought.

I essentially spent the better part of my early childhood hanging out in my mother's hair salon, surrounded by gorgeous women smothering me in unconditional affection.  As they conversed over my head about relationships, life, wants, dreams, and other things of the sort I soaked it up like a sponge.  I listened to everything.  Because of this I've always held women in the highest regard, revered them for their complexity and have shared a certain empathetic bond with them.  I have achieved an understanding for women, though not all-encompassing, which has always provided a good base for communication.

However as of late, this connection to women has been fading.

Much like a carpet too big for the room it is being put in, my life is having troubles fitting into the space given.  Just when I've fitted three corners of my life into the room, the final corner kicks up against the wall.  In this case, I've gotten financial stability, my ambitions are on track and I like to believe that family and friend relations are fantastic as well.

But like anyone else, I'm one lonely bastard.  I crave the company of a woman in my life; such an unsatiable hunger has yet to be stymied by anything or anyone.  And the lonlier I get, the worse I get at handling myself around women.  I fumble with the preliminary cat and mouse banter, overcompliment women and reflect the low self-esteem that only grows with each failed chase.

I'm becoming flustered, worried that I might lose the most prime years of my life to meet women to the comfort and stability of my current situation.  When I was a mess, to say the least, I had no problems meeting women, courting women and even sharing meaningful connections with them.

Is this some sort of mental block I've put up?  Or is this nature telling me to sacrifice one thing for another?  Perhaps I'm just not opening my eyes enough to see the answer right before me.  Regardless of what the problems or the solutions are the fact remains:  I'm one lonely bastard.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ska/Reggae Jam #2

Wish I had a good girl,
but a bad girl got my heart.
Shoulda loved a good girl,
but the bad got me from the start.

Good girls can't argue,
make me crazy or start a fight.
She ain't good for writin' a song,
and you know she can't screw me right.

Good girl,
when yah gunna go on home.
Good girl,
y'know I'd rather be alone.

'Til you start slappin' around,
put up yo' fists
and strike me down,
bad girl's gunna have my heart
like she done had right here from the start.
I needa bad girl.

Don'tcha cry for me good girl,
my love was always fake.
I'm a mean old man y'see,
and my tricks only cause heartache.

Bad girls got thick skin,
and they know how throw it back.
Not to mention the bad girls...
Well they're damn good in the sack.


Good girl,
when yah gunna go on home.
Good girl,
y'know I'd rather be alone.


'Til you start slappin' around,
put up yo' fists
and strike me down,
bad girl's gunna have my heart
like she done had right here from the start.
I needa bad girl.

You might think I'm horny,
maybe lost my sight.
But a girl who can hate me good,
you know she can love right.