Acoustic Thought #1

This is long overdue, but only because it's taken me months to really let it settle into my stomach.  I'm tired of moving around.  I've lived in three different states for my High School career, moved around before that, had to make decisions between parents.  I'm just done.

The constant pulling and pushing done to every aspect of my life is starting to wear me thin.  I'm enveloping myself in bitterness because of it, bitterness I try hard to dress in sarcasm to soften the blows.  It bothers me that I can't get along with anyone here in Florida despite the fact that I've no one to blame but myself.  But this is my new home and I need to cope.  Cope like I did when I was the new guy in Virginia, cope like I did when I had to sever myself from Pennsylvania.

Coping is all I can do now.  It occupies most of my time and forces me to mature, forces me not to be bothered by the little things.  Or maybe that's where I have it wrong?  Maybe maturing is laying it all out on the table?  Peeling away the layers of an onion until tears are had.

Regardless of what it may be, I've developed a thick skin because of my unstable living arrangements. 

It really hurts me when I realize that my education and emotional stability has been sacrificed so my parents can pursue their own device on different fronts.  In doing so, they've spread their second son thin and caused a lot of damage.

I don't resent them though.  Their selfishness has rubbed off on me so it makes me the same; I even catch myself being selfish, but I don't stop.  It's a lot like watching yourself behind a one-way mirror, there's nothing you can do.

There has been a lot of negligence in my life, forcing me into the company of classmates, friends, and even enemies.  I strive for approval from my peers, strive to push buttons, get laughs, shed tears...  I just want to impact people.  I want people to remember who I am, rather than let me fall into a crowd of faceless memories. 

I have a name and I have mission.  God-given or not, my purpose is my own and I will carry it out in spite of my own problems.

I'm extremely good at getting people to talk to me, but I've always boarded myself up when it came my turn to do the same.

I love you, I hate you, I know you, I don't know you...  Whoever is reading this, consider it a collection of my thoughts as they cross my head.  Try to sort them out, try to profile me.  I need your help on this one, thanks. 

- Andrew